My Desiderata (My Way of Life)

Once in our life we go through hell. It’s not always rainbows and butterflies. We needed to experience thunders and storms to appreciate sunny days. After all, life is boring when it’s routinary. I read some article that claims at age 23 life is most confusing, challenging, and disastrous. I don’t know if there is science behind it, but coincidentally I went through that phase. Everything seem to be falling apart—from career to personal life. I felt I was alone and lost. I lost my confidence, and ended questioning everything and every decision I make. I didn’t want to talk to people because I felt like they would judge me. Regardless, I wake up everyday putting a fake smile and keeping that little light in me glow. However, I came to a point where I felt I needed help. I started talking to few people I trust most, and I am glad I did. It’s always better to cry with someone, it’s way more healing than crying alone. They kept me sane and helped me go back in track. I also started living with the word “get to” like literally I’m glad I get to do things because others cannot. I started to appreciate what I have instead of seeking for what I have not. I cannot claim that I am contented with the things I have and where I am now, but I started to be grateful. I started to view things differently. I am slowly going back to my old optimistic self.

I learned that life isn’t always fair, but it can still surprise you with a lot of good things. I stopped hating and blaming people for my sufferings. I owned up to it. I told myself that I should stop letting people affect me. After all, it all depends on how you see things. I realized that life is too short to waste on hating people and regretting things I wish I did. There’s no way I can turn back time, and do what I always wanted to do. I started accepting defeat. I recognized how coward I used to be—for always being on the safe side and just letting people and opportunities pass. I didn’t want change and I didn’t want to admit it. I pretended I wanted change, but keep on escaping it. Keep going back to what used to, but thing is nothing is the same anymore. The people in my life changed, my environment changed, I have changed—and I keep refusing to accept it. I have now learned to embrace change, and cliché as it may sound but the intensity of the pain that I am going through pushed me to become the best version of myself. I turned pain as motivation—as my drive to do things I’ve always wanted to do but was afraid of.

I am now in pursuit of what I really wanted despite of how uncertain and scary the process could be. I am done fearing everything. I no longer mind failing, and would rather live with so many ‘atleasts’ instead of ‘what ifs’. I am done abiding the norm, and listening to what people think is right. I have now realized that it’s best to listen to yourself. I stopped taking advices and what others think is best for me. I am still in the process of self-discovery. I am very fickle minded and constantly needs validation from other people, but I have decided to stop being that person. The process isn’t comfortable, it isn’t easy. I have hurt the people I love and I got hurt, but it’s okay. One way or another we’re going to hurt people, we were not born to please everyone and be loved by everyone. I came to realize that. I am now in the process of discovering my own version of truth and happiness, grow on my own terms, and figure out what matters to me, and eventually live by it. It’s both beautiful and ugly journey, but it’s worth it. I now started to do things I always wanted to do—write a blog, attend a toastmaster session, get a tattoo, get that body I always wanted as well as things that scares me like public speaking. I have liberated myself from my critical and conservative self. I am excited to meet the person that I will become.

                                 
                                                      Photo credits to the owner